I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
