Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
