We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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