he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
