none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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