I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
