wanna go halves on a baby?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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