i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
