Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
