Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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