I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
