the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
