the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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