Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
