hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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