I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
