I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
