How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
