I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
