we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
