No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
