Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
