i was born a porn star she said
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
