im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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