What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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