I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
