Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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