i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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