I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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