So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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