it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
