Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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