and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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