My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
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it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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