I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
