Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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