end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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