I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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