u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
