Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
