i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
