Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
