the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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