so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
