last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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