I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
