the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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