video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
