I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
