Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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