and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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