why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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