Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
