Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
