you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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