Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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