i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You are the jesus of drinking
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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