How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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