CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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