I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
