I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How external is "for external use only"?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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