Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
